Yasuo Belushi

Friday was a hoot! I finished teaching over at Gakushuin University in Tokyo and the Economics Department was having a party for their students and their instructors. So, with classes finished I made my way over to the cafeteria where a cornucopia of food and beer has been laid out. Have I died? Is this Oriental Valhalla?

So, after making sure all my underage students had a beer, we got stuck into the food. It was good too, man. There was fried chicken, fries, little ham sandwiches, yaki soba, egg rolls, sushi. I had a few plates in me and felt really good just as it got time to enjoy the entertainment.

A student of mine named Yasuo (yeah-sue-o) is a small japanese guy about 5'5 and 120lbs soaking wet, but holy smokes was he the king of the party animals! During the lessons all the other students thought he was really weird and creepy and didn't like to be teamed up with him. He said some pretty weird stuff, but man he loved talking. He knew what was going on all the time even though his grammar went a bit crazy when he spoke. He could definitely communicate.

So the first thing he does is crack open a big bottle of beer and down in. He then signals his triumph by making a loud "Oi" sound. It's 3:31 pm. He goes around the group pouring drinks and chugging beer. Some old fart from the Department gives a speech and then we get stuck into the food. At one point Yasuo had crammed 15 sandwiches into his mouth. This of course led to the guys in the same class chanting his name, which only encouraged him further. He was running around with beer drinking it, pouring it, chugging it, opening it. He challenged the jock in the class to an arm wrestle, and after HAVING WON, knocked back this bottle of apple alcohol. While this is going on, his classmates who are all finding this hilarious, which it was, have now gotten themselves drunk by egging him on. Mind you I am only taking for the guys. The girls all drank teas and stood at the other end of the table waiting to get the signal to clean up.

So Yasuo is now the ring leader of 3 other very drunk Japanese Students. I had gone outside for a smoke. I bummed a Marlboro Menthol Light ( After a few beers any cigaret is good) of off the other teacher I had worked with. Both of us were there along with a few students and a couple other teachers. After about 10 minutes or so, Yasuo comes bounding out of the cafeteria jumps down the 6 steps to the terrace we are on and does some Kung Fu move. The chicks are freaking out and I'm laughing my head off. He then puts on his Matrix Sunglasses and gives us the "Hello, Mr.Anderson"

I was in and out of the cafeteria and the terrace until the party wrapped up at 5:00. Yasuo was at volume 11 through the whole thing. I think the crowning achievement was when he got the sound system back on and rapped out a few lines on the microphone the old fart used earlier. His breakdancing wasn't as good as Napolean Dynamite though.

As for the supporting drunks. One of them had their part time job to go to and he was totally smashed. The other two had practices for their respective sports teams, but one of them was so buzzed out he decided to shrug it off and go to a karaoke bar with Yasuo. When we all parted ways infront of the Station, Yasuo had rounded up about 10 people to go keep up the good work.

God bless you , Yasuo. You were fucking awesome.

Dude Survives Assassination Attempt by Mother Nature: Retaliation Expected

What a day it was yesterday! I was sitting around at work on the 8th floor alone going through the personal financial forecast for the next quarter when a small earthquake began. At first, I didn't react much as small earthquakes happen roughly every month, so I continued crunching the numbers. Then the earthquake got a bit more violent causing me to stop writing and put the pen down down. Just as I had convinced myself that it'll be over in a second, it got really bad. Books and file folders from a shelf directly over my head started flying off the shelves as did a bunch of other stuff on the shelves opposite. Luckily for me I am in tune with the metal side of the force. In a flash, hands of metal balanced with chi knocked the falling projectiles back from whence they came in a blue haze as the ground below shook like the great snake of Ragnorok had awoken to destroy mankind. It must have been all the viagra I had for lunch. After approximately 20 seconds spent dispensing a whirlwind of kung fu punishment on plastic binders, books and CD cases, the quake ended. There was a brief silence. A tree fell in a forest and made no sound. Then the announcement came that the elevators were out of commission. Having enough of it, and not wanting to clean all the shit up n the other side of the room, I decided to take the stairs.

I got to Shinjuku station, entered and went to my platform. Shinjuku is one of the biggest railway stations in the world and makes Grand Central look like Main St. Station in Toronto. Ever heard of it? Didn't think so. After a few minutes it was quite obvious the trains were going nowhere. So, instead of standing around in a crowd of people that would be a suicide bomber's wetdream, I decided to walk to Shibuya Station to catch my train home.

I figured that there might have been some big problems somewhere in the city because when I looked up into the clear grey sky there were helicopter's busily zipping across the city. At one point I saw about 5 of them. With the size of the quake being rather low, magnitude 5.5 I believe, the chance for extensive damage was rather low. However, the more violent spasm of the quake, or 'kwake' if you went to Carleton, wasn't a horizontal one but vertical. Vertical quakes of any magnitude can cause real problems. The number of choppers above the skyline, the nature of the quake, and the scene at Shinjuku station led me to speculate that maybe somewhere within the city there had been a train derailment, or a collapsed building or bridge, or maybe even a missing white woman. May I point out my excellent use of the past perfect in that last sentence. Where is my Nobel already?

On my way to Shibuya, I walked through Yoyogi Park. It was beautiful and devoid of people given the circumstances. I intend to go back there under the influence sometime. When I got to Harajuku station, which is famous for Japanese Youth dressed like Goth-vampire-rockstar-anime-idiots, there were a few music acts kickin' out the jams looking to be noticed. Boy, did they suck. My nephews high on petrol fumes could've done a better job.

I pressed on to Shibuya where it seemed that the entire population of the world had gathered. Buses were going by totally packed. Cues at the bus stops went on for 100s of yards and then doubled back on themselves like giant snakes, or big turds. Finally, I got to my station, got on my train and came home. My train line was running, but the main commuter line, the Yamanote, was still out of service. No one in the vicinity of Shibuya required my Metal-Fu services. Although, there were a few that deserved it.

My planned retaliation is giving good old mother earth a golden shower after a few drinks in the park.

Hah!

Also...Earlier on in the week I ran into the commissioning and testing drinking team out in Roppongi. My top secret ninja mission to determine whether or not I had become some sort of pariah in the industry here turned out awesome. First, I met up with a co-worker of mine who explained that, like the famous Champagne and Cool film, Things Are Tough All Over. After we had gone seperate ways, I ran into the C and T lager appreciation society of Minato ku. It was great! Like I hadn't missed a beat. They really gave me back my self confidence in a lot of ways...and bought me beers. Thanks to Barney for letting me crash in the shadow of the South Korean Embassy. By the way guys, Bolton Wanderers is off I am afraid...well with me anyway. I have to work until 10pm that night so I won't be able to go. If you are still interested, the game is between Kawasaki Frontale and the Bolton Wanderers at Todoroki in Kawasaki. Kick off is at 7:15pm on Thursday 28 July. You can probably get one of the admin girls to do all the hard shit, like call and get tickets. However, we should still all go to a game. Maybe when the Drake makes a guest appearance from HK.

What would Jesus do?

Cross check the Bruin out of the way, high stick Frenchy in the jaw and then cruise in on the breakaway and score on an awesome backhand deke.

Two more months.... Two more months....

I've decided to sign with the Leafs

Now that the NHLPA and the NHL have decided to pull their cocks out of their asses, hockey is back on. Finally. Who can possibly give a shit about Harry Potsmoker's new book the Prince's blood on my Hands, or whatever it is called, when you know that in 2 short months pre-season is going to be happening. Drafts. Signings.

Why

I

decided

to

sign

with

the Leafs

Knowing that the salary cap would effect the Leafs immensly and make it difficult to hold on to some core players (Nolan, Mogilny) and some of their recent additions (Leetch), and knowing that they only have a 2% chance of getting Crosby (who, by the way, looks destined for Shittsburgh, Coldbumass, Buttfullo, or Fairylina), I offered my services to play for the Leafs at the low-low rate of $20/hour. That's right the Leafs can sign me for $40,000/year.

In an email directed to the Big Cheese, John "Ferggy" Ferguson, and the blizzard of Ferg, I pointed out not only my availability, but also my loyalty to the franchise itself. I think claiming that I'd kill myself scoring a goal against Montreal in Montreal if need be and the $40,000 price tag might tip the scales in my favour. I also requested the number 22, as only some of the greatest Leafs have worn that number (Tiger Williams, Rick Vaive, Jon Kordic, Ken Baumgartner)

This is what you will see next year after Game 7 double overtime against Detroit for the cup.

Term's end

University is out for the summer now. I don't know how many red pens I went through marking assignments, tests, blah, blah, blah. The final assignment, Why our teacher is the best, was rather well done. The essays about ancient Rome were shocking! I find it really hard to follow the students' ideas when their essays make little sense. I wanted to give everyone F+ for the term, but then decided that they all needed A's.

Bringing it down from the inside.

We made a trip into the arm pit of Japan, downtown Kawasaki, today to see a movie. 30 minutes of commercials before the film. I checked out all the Star Wars Merchandise they were selling. I wanted to buy this Darth Vader Mask/Helmet thing, but it was like $100. I was like, Nooooooooooooooo way.

The biggest news for the summer around here is that the Bolton Wanderers, of English football fame, are coming to play Frontale on the 28th. Finally, some players who can understand my taunts!

I blame God

Less than 24 hours after the terrorist/freedom fighter attacks in London, every news channel I get here, CNN and BBC, dragged some guy onto the air to ask the most open ended question: Why?

Some blamed the terrorists, some blamed the States, some blamed poverty, some blamed Bob Geldof. Every one was ladelling out thick creamy bowls of blame. Mmmmmmm, blame.

I wish that someone had the foresight to bring Kurt Vonnegut out there and asked him. He probably would've just answered "why not?"

I blame God. Does it matter? I've been told, or should I say, taught that He is dead. I mean what kind of trickery is this anyway? Around 30 AD, He asks everyone in the Middle East if the birds need jobs and tells them to be righteous to one another and respect your brother like it was the first Bill and Ted movie, and then, wham-o, a couple hundred years later He has a change of heart and tells the people of that region to go out and kill the infidel. What gives?

Now, don't get me wrong here. Yes, I know I am an asshole, but at least I know enough to cheer for the home team. Wait a minute...do we have a home team anymore? Didn't it move to China, or somewhere? What was the name of the captain that one season? It was a Canadian name....Osama, or something. Regardless, why is the accepted message on either side of the Dardenelles so different? It came from Him, right? Eureka! I've figured it out! Besides me there are approximately 5,999,999,999 other assholes on the planet all going around thinking they're right.

I mean if we're going to play the "blame" game, I think we should blame the UN. If they had let Stormin' Norman go to Baghdad in '91, a lot of this could've been avoided. But wait. We should blame the UK for its foreign policy failure in the Middle East after World War II which created this geo-political state of affairs. Hold on, we should blame the Turks for choosing the wrong side in World War I and losing their grip on the Middle East. Wait a second, didn't the Turks conquer the Arabs way back in the Middle Ages, or "Mid Evil times", if you are a 13 year old idiot? We should blame them for losing the land to the Turks. This could go on, and on, and on.

Point is, shit happens and will continue to do so until the day God pops out from behind a cloud to say "Guess who's not dead?" and "Only Darth L gets the 72 virgins."

Score

I think of God as being a socialist. He gave us all the social programs we need: water, food, air, sun, night, vagina, weed. We're the ones who fucked it all up.

"Has the whole world gone crazy!!!!"

Death of Democracy

Here is a paragraph, taken verbatim from a book I am currently reading

"As there is nothing like clientship in modern Western society we are easily apt to underestimate the profound effect it had upon the whole development of Rome throughout its history. Clients came from the freed slaves and their descedants, immigrants and poor citizens unable to stand on their own feet and therefore needing help and protection. The almost feudal dependence of clients upon their patrons tremendously reinforced the political and social influence of the leaders of society. The patron would help his client by giving him small parcels of land, a few animals, food or small sums of money. He would speak for him or tell him what to do in his rare encounters with public authority. In return the obsequious client often called to pay daily deference to his patron and was expected to rally to his support if necessary with whatever powers he posessed. That he should support his patron politically and vote the way the patron wanted in the public assemblies was one of the client's least burdensome duties. No doubt the more independent and energetic of the free citizens preferred to fend for themselves but in Rome as in every other community, such rare spirits would be in a minority. Clients remained clients because they had no ambition or ability to shoulder the responsibilites involved in striking out for themselves so they hung like a dead weight upon their leaders and more enterprising fellow citizens."

Cowell, F R. Cicero and the Roman Republic. Pelican Books/C.Nicholls & Company: Middlesex, UK. 1962.

Unfortunately, Mr. Cowell wasn't a political scientist with the gift of clairvoyance. For if he were, he would've seen the introduction of wide-spread client-patron relationships permeate and aid in the destruction Western democracies from within. Canada is no exception. Large blocks of immigrants and their descendents from the 1960s have voted for their patrons, the Liberal Party of Canada, despite their agenda being in total conflict with the cultural and religious aspects of many of their clients. For example, and I do not mean for this example to be all inclusive, ask a Greek Orthodox Priest and Canadian Citizen if he is pro-gay marriage, pro-abortion and fiscally Liberal and he will answer "No". Ask him who he will support in the next election, "the Liberals". This point was highlighted during the brief and lackluster attempt by the Conservatives to topple the crime syndicate running the government in Ottawa by appealing to the moral beliefs of Sikh voters. If Mr.Harper wants their support, he should think about becoming a Liberal. In economically depressed areas of the nation, the people there claim they want jobs, but always vote for the easy way out: subsidies, programs, welfare.

Personally, I take what Mr.Cowell wrote originally in 1948 about the Grandeur that was Rome as a blueprint of how a stable and strong political system can be corrupted to the extent that it leads to despotism and the extinguishing of freedom. The blind clients will surrender away everything that was built up over the centuries for bread and circuses.

I strongly believe that the West is the last bastion of the "enterprising fellow citizen" and I sincerely hope that before the disasterous and cancerous patron-client relationship seriously infects points beyond Manitoba that the West will find a way to sever itself from its modern day Windsor-to-Quebec-City Rome.

Summertime Blues

This is going to be a short one. Just read the paper online. (by paper I actually mean a whole bunch of different papers, or articles from, presented at Google news). Canada is still retarded, I see. Homolka is going to get out of jail. I hope the Frenchies lynch her. I also see a whole bunch of washed up Canadian Talent descended on Barrie for the weekend. Where was SLik Toxik? Huh? Was there an address from Bob Geldof to the crowds

"Attention people of Earth! I haven't showered for weeks but you must respect me because I am a one-time sucessful recording artist and Cult movie star with a lot more money than any of you'll see. Bow to my social concious."

Ending Poverty is a noble idea, but so is bathing. So let me get this straight, we're going to extinguish poverty by handing free money out to the leaders of despotic totally backward flintstonesque countries. Wow, what a brilliant plan. Why don't we just skip the middleman, wire the dough straight to the Dictators' accounts in Geneva and have a plush London SoHo fully-furnished flat waiting for him and his 7 wives, each of which with 7 kids, with 7 kittens?

Let's end poverty in the third world by lowering the living standards on the middleclass and working class in the idustrialised world. That's fair trade isn't it? Yes! I want to eat out of a tin can and have flies walking on my eyeballs!

Fuck no! Our ancestors built our civilization by hard work, balls, and a democratic system of government that worked enough to provide power plants, hospitals, universities, etc. If you are unwilling to go get something for yourself, why the fuck should I hand it to you?

Isn't Canada in debt? Why don't you put on a debt-relief concert for us, Bob, the ones who actually put some cash in your greasy jeans? You too, Bono. Why don't the two of you put on a concert for us, convince the banks that it was all a mistake, then and only then can you come in and hijack our foreign policy.

It used to be about the music.

Happy Birthday Ontario and Quebec!

Now, go fuck yourselves.