I've decided to sign with the Leafs

Now that the NHLPA and the NHL have decided to pull their cocks out of their asses, hockey is back on. Finally. Who can possibly give a shit about Harry Potsmoker's new book the Prince's blood on my Hands, or whatever it is called, when you know that in 2 short months pre-season is going to be happening. Drafts. Signings.

Why

I

decided

to

sign

with

the Leafs

Knowing that the salary cap would effect the Leafs immensly and make it difficult to hold on to some core players (Nolan, Mogilny) and some of their recent additions (Leetch), and knowing that they only have a 2% chance of getting Crosby (who, by the way, looks destined for Shittsburgh, Coldbumass, Buttfullo, or Fairylina), I offered my services to play for the Leafs at the low-low rate of $20/hour. That's right the Leafs can sign me for $40,000/year.

In an email directed to the Big Cheese, John "Ferggy" Ferguson, and the blizzard of Ferg, I pointed out not only my availability, but also my loyalty to the franchise itself. I think claiming that I'd kill myself scoring a goal against Montreal in Montreal if need be and the $40,000 price tag might tip the scales in my favour. I also requested the number 22, as only some of the greatest Leafs have worn that number (Tiger Williams, Rick Vaive, Jon Kordic, Ken Baumgartner)

This is what you will see next year after Game 7 double overtime against Detroit for the cup.