Friday, August 10, 2007

From the Heavens' heart I stab at thee

The title is probably what all the fates and gods are saying as they puppetmaster my life into the complex drama of annoying misfortune it has spiralled into these past few weeks. Did I write weeks? Strange, I thought I had written eons. My mistake.

The Schissekampfwagen is out of commission forever. After driving over a Soviet landmine in the disputed zone for the last time, the ol' Shizznitmobile can't seem to get it up anymore. This is of course after the infamous $300 oil change of two weeks ago. Despite the mechanic's swearing on a pile of bibles and pictures of his mother, it wasn't just low on oil. Two near deaths on the highway in two days was enough for me. I called the boss and told him that I had to go car shopping today. He was cool with that as the weather machine is running amok and is need of repair. We both yelled "COBRA!" and hung up. (on an aside here...I'm now going to be the Big Boss on the 2nd shift from next week. The one guy I'll be working with Ahmed, or Akbar, or Alhugibashet, or whatever, is from Quebec and can only really speak French. Picture me rolling my eyes. Can they cast the net any deeper and actually rip up the bottom of the barrel?) So, out into this glorious 5 C summer weather to look at beater cars in the city.

In other news, and muse, I've signed up for my H2S ALIVE! course. I am taking a series of courses so I can get out of the city and dead-end henchman work and into the oilpatch. I'll have all of my courses done by the end of the month or so and I'll be applying with various prespective employers. Of course, working up there is like being in jail, but they let you out every 30 days for 10 days and the pay is about triple what I make now. It is seasonal, so I'll only have to work from October to March. Hopefully, by then my application to take a commission in the military (and you thought I was pumping out 100% BS) will have gone through and I can enter Basic training next July and be collecting skulls by the next July. Both of my nephews are on board and have got their applications in too. Picture me smiling in a sinister fashion. I get to fight in the Apocylpse with my kinsmen at my back.

I just finished reading The Republic by a Mr.Plato. I must say Book VII is the most interesting discourse on the lifetime of a society ever written. When most political analysts these days only seem to give a schisse about what Marx and Engels wrote (which in a lot of ways borrowed heavily from M.Plato), or about how the candidates (Yes, I am talking about the upcoming US Presidential Election) are casting away all the labels and breaking all the barriers, one comes to the conclusion that society is in a freefall and is two hairs away from slipping into tyranny. Don't believe me? Read Plato. Plato should be manditory reading in elementary school. Kick boxing should also be manditory.

I also see that my friend Metal Mikhail has slain yet another blog. I know I haven't been the best at updating anything, ever, but I have the excuse of not being hooked up online on work and slipping into an exercise acoma once I am home. Now that 300 is out on DVD, I've been running on the treadmill in acoma with a giant boner. So giant, no blood is able to flow to my fingers to type. (The best part in 300 is when King Leonidas fights the enraged/drug crazed Andre the Giant sized retard)

So to Metal Mike, the god of all blog slayers, I finally submit what I have been doing and lift the shroud of secrecy:

  • I have been working at a document destruction facility. I have been working for "the Man" destroying top secret and secret documents in a paper shredder the size of a small house.(Truth? Dude, no one can handle the truth. no one)
  • I have lost about 65lbs of fat and gained back about 20lbs of muscle. I weigh exactly 205lbs.
  • I applied to the military in January ready to spill blood for the blood god, but my application is caught up in some sort of limbo where they have to check with authorities in Asia and Europe that I am not a tax cheat or pedophile.
  • My shitty car has been driving me crazy for the last month and I want to drive the fucking thing off a cliff.
  • I am taking my certificates to go to the oil patch so I can get the hell out of C-town.
  • My outwardly perception has returned to normality.
  • I've been listening to Slayer non-stop and have even worn out my South of Heaven CD.

So there you have it. All is revealed. I don't know when I will update again, but I do check for comments every so often.