A Vegan Christmas to all

Well, the sands of time are running low for the Dude. Only 101 more hours until I am on an areoplane quaffing "free" beer leaving Asia behind for a good 3 weeks. I've been in a really good mood for the first time since Kindergarten despite the usual bullshit associated with living amongst, to quote General of the Army, Douglas MacArthur, "a nation of 12 year olds" Knowing that I am leaving has given me this magic like armour, or aura, that deflects the deeply ingrained idiocy I am bombarded with daily.

Now, a lot of you might be thinking, ' What should I have for Christmas dinner this year? What's cool? What's hip? What's now?' I suggest you play the role of western sycophant and have a Vegan Christmas. Now first off, you must refer to Christmas as "Winter Solstice" in keeping in practice with your new and trendy spirtual awakening. I suggest you get the party going with some Soy Nog. Yum. Yum. While all of your old, unenlightened friends are stuffing their faces and getting blood on their hands with sausage rolls, you can enjoy some Veggie Mince pies. Now, for the main course, hold on to your sandals you would be druids, a hearty entrée is a delectable medley of rainbow colors with Curried Christmas Timbales, Cranberry Salsa, Steamed Brussels Sprouts, Symphony in Squash, and Buckwheat with Savory Mushroom Sauce. Abundant and satisfying, each dish is sparked with a richness of robust flavors. There's no doubt this is elegant vegan dining.

"I remember when I was a child, we'd come home from our Winter Solstice Nestle protest and Mom would serve up some Buckwheat in Mushroom sauce. Ahhhhhhh. Memories."

Look, I don't know about you, or your sexual orientation, but I intend to eat the flesh of no less than 20 different animals God put on this earth over Christmas. Beef, Veal, Ham, Turkey, Lamb, Shrimp, Lobster, Crab, Chicken, Halibut, Clams, Snails, Goat, Pheasant, Buffalo, Deer, Panda, Lama, Pidgeon and Cod. Not too mention all the maggots and roach eggs found in a lot of the fast food and pepperoni recycled from dumpsters.

I also intend to get of the wagon and burn it to the fucking ground over the 12 days of Christmas. But I will stay off the cigarettes as I have for the past couple of months, with the exception of the time I fell off the wagon and bummed one off of a cop in Nagoya.

If I don't update this for a while, for what it's worth, have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Just when you thought you've seen it all

Most of you, let's face it, both of you, know that I have been dumping on my host nation quite a bit in the last year or so. Although totally justified, I can imagine that you take a lot of my ranting and raving about the everyday on this archipeligo cum lunatic asylum with a grain of salt. Rightfully so, may I add. I'd be doing the same if the situations were reversed. However, when a new depth to the sheer idiocy of an entire nation is achieved that leaves an old hand, such as myself, in shock I feel compelled to inform those who can think for themselves of the terrible horrors that await us in the dark urbanised future.

Japanese TV

I've bitched and whined about TV here before. But just to recap, Japanese TV is not all the zany game shows that you see repackaged on Spike TV. Most of the TV programs here consist of the same 60 TV "Talent" (this is what they are referred to by the masses, although I think the word "the" should be added along with the prefix "un" and the suffix "ed") going to the same restraunts, eating food that is always delicious, telling the same shitty jokes and relaying their ultra mundane stories about shopping while on holiday. Basically, Japanese TV is boring tripe with the same people night after night talking about the same boring things ad nauseum on all 8 channels. It's unimaginative. It's dull. It's fucking stupid.

The TV (un)Talent(ed) Fashion awards 2005

I almost had a stroke when I saw this. Earlier this week, these 60 people had organized an awards show for themselves to decide who was the most fashionable a la the academy awards. I watched the award for the "best jeans of the year" and then switched the channel to Golf and flushed the batteries down the toilet so I wouldn't be tempted to look back. They announced the the nominees, showed the close-ups of them sitting at their tables, fashionably dressed, eating delicious food, and whispering mundane stories of their shopping woes while on holiday to their equally alpha patternless neighbours. They announced the winner. He looked surprised, smiled and went up on to the stage and got his award and thanked his jr high school drama club leader, his parents, one of his heathen gods, his fashion designer, his producer, his gay little lap-dog, his....

Later that evening, I had hooked up the remote to an old air compressor to get some channels going (I really wanted to hear all of the unbiased news about India on BBC) and I came across the Japanese News where this fashion awards show was being reported as news. There was some useless J-git clutching his award doing one of those post award interviews with heaps of cameras and reporters asking questions and hanging on his every word.

I remember my exact thought at that moment "Holy Fuck. They are all insane."

Fortunately for you, both of you, I'm off the booze and I didn't chugg the quart of Scotch I would've in the old days to purge this horrible memory from my mind.

A Nation of Posers

Well, I thought I'd hand out some Fashion awards to my friends over the blog. Here we go.

Best Used Car Salesman suit: Metal Mike, U of T 1996
Most Fashionable 10 Speed: Champagne E
Best pair of Eyeglasses with Safety strap: Kev
Best Fat guy vest: HockeyPunch von Z
Best Blueshirt and Blue tie Combo: Harry Potter, the wiz.
Most obscure Buttfull-o Gaybres Sweatshirt: Whitecastle
Most Fashionable Albino: Snott
Tim Joyce Memorial "Ahauahauhauah" Best dressed woman of the year: Jessica Lovejoy
Most Fashionable Fat guy from Saskatchewan: Clint Jeffwood
Most Fashionable Hangover: The Drake

16 more days and the Angel of Death flys free!