Dude Survives Assassination Attempt by Mother Nature: Retaliation Expected

What a day it was yesterday! I was sitting around at work on the 8th floor alone going through the personal financial forecast for the next quarter when a small earthquake began. At first, I didn't react much as small earthquakes happen roughly every month, so I continued crunching the numbers. Then the earthquake got a bit more violent causing me to stop writing and put the pen down down. Just as I had convinced myself that it'll be over in a second, it got really bad. Books and file folders from a shelf directly over my head started flying off the shelves as did a bunch of other stuff on the shelves opposite. Luckily for me I am in tune with the metal side of the force. In a flash, hands of metal balanced with chi knocked the falling projectiles back from whence they came in a blue haze as the ground below shook like the great snake of Ragnorok had awoken to destroy mankind. It must have been all the viagra I had for lunch. After approximately 20 seconds spent dispensing a whirlwind of kung fu punishment on plastic binders, books and CD cases, the quake ended. There was a brief silence. A tree fell in a forest and made no sound. Then the announcement came that the elevators were out of commission. Having enough of it, and not wanting to clean all the shit up n the other side of the room, I decided to take the stairs.

I got to Shinjuku station, entered and went to my platform. Shinjuku is one of the biggest railway stations in the world and makes Grand Central look like Main St. Station in Toronto. Ever heard of it? Didn't think so. After a few minutes it was quite obvious the trains were going nowhere. So, instead of standing around in a crowd of people that would be a suicide bomber's wetdream, I decided to walk to Shibuya Station to catch my train home.

I figured that there might have been some big problems somewhere in the city because when I looked up into the clear grey sky there were helicopter's busily zipping across the city. At one point I saw about 5 of them. With the size of the quake being rather low, magnitude 5.5 I believe, the chance for extensive damage was rather low. However, the more violent spasm of the quake, or 'kwake' if you went to Carleton, wasn't a horizontal one but vertical. Vertical quakes of any magnitude can cause real problems. The number of choppers above the skyline, the nature of the quake, and the scene at Shinjuku station led me to speculate that maybe somewhere within the city there had been a train derailment, or a collapsed building or bridge, or maybe even a missing white woman. May I point out my excellent use of the past perfect in that last sentence. Where is my Nobel already?

On my way to Shibuya, I walked through Yoyogi Park. It was beautiful and devoid of people given the circumstances. I intend to go back there under the influence sometime. When I got to Harajuku station, which is famous for Japanese Youth dressed like Goth-vampire-rockstar-anime-idiots, there were a few music acts kickin' out the jams looking to be noticed. Boy, did they suck. My nephews high on petrol fumes could've done a better job.

I pressed on to Shibuya where it seemed that the entire population of the world had gathered. Buses were going by totally packed. Cues at the bus stops went on for 100s of yards and then doubled back on themselves like giant snakes, or big turds. Finally, I got to my station, got on my train and came home. My train line was running, but the main commuter line, the Yamanote, was still out of service. No one in the vicinity of Shibuya required my Metal-Fu services. Although, there were a few that deserved it.

My planned retaliation is giving good old mother earth a golden shower after a few drinks in the park.

Hah!

Also...Earlier on in the week I ran into the commissioning and testing drinking team out in Roppongi. My top secret ninja mission to determine whether or not I had become some sort of pariah in the industry here turned out awesome. First, I met up with a co-worker of mine who explained that, like the famous Champagne and Cool film, Things Are Tough All Over. After we had gone seperate ways, I ran into the C and T lager appreciation society of Minato ku. It was great! Like I hadn't missed a beat. They really gave me back my self confidence in a lot of ways...and bought me beers. Thanks to Barney for letting me crash in the shadow of the South Korean Embassy. By the way guys, Bolton Wanderers is off I am afraid...well with me anyway. I have to work until 10pm that night so I won't be able to go. If you are still interested, the game is between Kawasaki Frontale and the Bolton Wanderers at Todoroki in Kawasaki. Kick off is at 7:15pm on Thursday 28 July. You can probably get one of the admin girls to do all the hard shit, like call and get tickets. However, we should still all go to a game. Maybe when the Drake makes a guest appearance from HK.