Tuesday, September 23, 2008


I had a good time in TO. I don't think I'd ever want to live there again, barring some 6 figure job and place downtown, but I had a pleasent trip. I was able to catch up with a lot of old friends and visit places that I had completely forgotten existed. I even squeezed an all-nighter in, which I hadn't done in years. Kev knows how to rock, but is shit at picking parkades.

We're down to the wire here. We've been going through our stuff seperating the wheat from the chaff. I should've invested in chaff, because there is a lot of it. Seriously, why do I have my Grade 7 geography notes? I've got to make an appointment to get to the Dust mine to drop off some of these papers.

All the major stuff is taken care of pretty much. I've got a few trips to the dump to take. I've got to send some stuff down to my bro in DC. Originally, myself and some bad relatives of mine were planning on driving the Schissebox 360 off of a busted up bridge out there way, but the $600 insurance money was too lame. Instead, I'm giving it away to one of my Nephans so he can drive it off the bridge for $1500. ha ha.

There's an election? Wow? I peer into the void and make this prediction....I see Hollywood celebrities backing the Democrat guy, bin Laden, and I see old cranky men backing the Republican guy, Oven Fries. Was that Deep and Delicious enough for you?

As for in Canuckistan, or Iranada, I see Harper winning. He's got great taste in Hockey teams. The NDP is looking like a huge joke. 3 candidates dropped because of Narcotics and then the protesters in BC roughing up little kids isn't exactly in the Machivelli playbook. I think the Liberal guy, Steve Dioff, has decided to pull a few of the knives out his back and plunge them into the back of the Liberal Party. I think he is tanking it on purpose to 1) get out of the world's shittiest job and 2) to return the favour to his comerades. I'm not voting for the Conservative Party (crickets), I'm voting for an independent guy if I'm in a good mood. If I'm pissed off that day I might have to vote for the local Marxist-Leninist guy. Maybe I'll vote for myself. Maybe I'll draw a big cock on the ballot. Plus, the fact that your ballot has an individual serial number on it which matches the serial number next to your name on the voter's list, doesn't make me feel all warm and fuzzy. Someone in Ottawa could, I'm not saying does or will here, see how everyone voted, which totally disgusts me. My prediction here is Harper wins. BQ the offical Op. Libs drop by 50%. Dippers stay the same. Maybe a Green or two from BC.

I visited the Doctor today. I've got Bronchitis again. I've been coughing up burnt oatmeal for like a week. The meds are pretty good. I also went skating today. I can't go swimming now for another 2 weeks. I don't have Cancer which is great because I had every symptom of Throat Cancer, except I could explain my weight loss.

The cat just farted and it reeeeeks. How can water, bugs and catfood smell like that...ever? Little weirdo.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Prisoner escapes from Iron Dust Mine!

A lone, blackend faced Dwarf emerged from the ruins of Khazad Ferrum, or the Mount of Iron, after it's total annihilation by the power of free will. After salting the earth and cursing the location for a thousand generations in an ancient Elf language long forgotten, the dwarf vowed on the tombs of his ancestors to return on Friday to pick up his pay stub and drop off his name tag.

Here is an epic poem that reflects this time.

Cant forget his face

What a lonely place

Has he really let us go?

All the time thats lost

Whats the final cost

Will I really get away

All my life it seems

Just a crazy dream

Reaching for somebodys star

Cant be believed it all

Did he really fall?

What to do now I dont know

Somethings calling me back

Theres a light in the black

Am I ready to go?

Im coming home

Breathed the air before

Heard the thunder roar

Never knew it was for me

Always looking down

Lost and never found

Eyes that looked but not to see

All my life it seems

Just a crazy dream

Reaching for somebodys star

Like an open door

That youve passed before

But youve never had the key

Somethings calling me back

Like a light in the black

Am I ready to go?

Im coming home,

Im coming home

Im going back to my home

Im going home, home, home

Im going home, home, home

Im coming back

Wont forget his face

What a lonely place

Did he really let us go?

All the time thats lost?

Whats the final cost?

Will I really get away?

All my life it seems

Just a crazy dream Reaching for somebodys star

Cant believe it all

Did he really fall

What to do now well I know

Somethings calling me back

Like a light in the black

Yes Im ready to goIm coming home, home

Im on my way back home

Im here to stay

Here I will stay

Ill stay, Ill stay

Hey! Hey! Vinny Appice!

To all my krackas out there, peeping dis shiznit, I be in da Big Smoke from 27 August to 15 September. Scar-lem represent. Pay-ce.


PS to metal mikhail, slayer of blogs, scurge of HR: I'll be available to collect the 3 beers you owe me (won through various internet contests over the past few years) at any point during my trip. I'll be staying near the Brunny (fuck, yah! Homesauce) so I'll take a pitcher, or two, as payment in full. Do you think Champy will be about, or am I going to have to steal your car and drive to gay-ass ottawa?

Sunday, July 06, 2008

So THAT was my password...

It has been a very long time since I wrote anything on this blog, or anywhere else for that matter. I guess I was waiting for some sort of event that would warrant a bulletin of some kind, but nothing ever happened.

Things are going along much as they were before, in a very linear way with the odd up and down. So that's why I decided to raise a little hell, raise a little hell, raise a little hell.

Get your mouse over the flag button, because the gloves are coming off.

I came back to Canada over two years ago, as a citizen, to live, work and start a family. I applied to well over 100 jobs online, about another 50 or so through the paper and other sources. There were also the job websites, which I won't mention because I'll be damned if I'm going to advertise for them here.

So, in my native land, with an education and true "real-world" experience I was able to get a job stocking the shelves at Superstore and at the History destruction plant. Realising that any chance of me getting employment that would be a satisfactory fit with my education and experience were low to zero, I thought I'd get all the relative safety licenses/tickets to go work in the oil/gas industry whether on a rig, in a plant, pipeline, whatever.

After $1000 and a few half days and weekends over a couple of months, I had all my tickets and started applying online at companies involved in the oil/gas sector. I applied to everything I could. Now for all my trouble all I get is the odd Husky Update informing me of all the progress and money they are making. If I had been a Native Indian, they would've hired me immediately (I think the provincial government pays part of their salary...I mean me the taxpayer pays part of their salary)

When that turned up nothing, I started applying for trade jobs/apprenticeships. I am on the top of about 5 lists. I went to the electrician's union, the plumber's union, millwrights, etc. Someone has trained all of these people to give out the Hollywood "Yes", which means "No, please fuck off and dont come back."

Back in March, I had an interview with a drilling company. After the interview and medical tests they hired me. I was given an info packet about all the stuff I would need and I was stoked. My start date was the end of May/beginning of June. Here it is July 6, and I still haven't heard anything. I've called my contact guy, left messages, emailed and I even went down to the office and left a note giving my details and those of my time of hire and the interview. (He wasn't there, and that wasn't a surprise at all). Nothing. Not a word.

So, without any real options to speak of we have decided to return to Japan. I have no intentions of returning here to live. Canada has rejected me, and I have rejected her. We have chosen a place in Japan on the beach facing the Pacific Ocean. It isn't Tokyo or any other big city, although Tokyo is about 2 hours or so by train. I'll have to teach, which, although I don't really like it, will be better than working at the African refugee circus I've been stuck in for the last 2 years.

As I waited in vain for the drilling job to start, I remembered a lot of the reasons I left in the first place. Canada is becoming the world's biggest third world country. We import the most useless people to be new Canadians, or should I say slaves, to do the jobs that we've all become too lazy to do. (But Lebowski, Canadians don't want to do a lot of those jobs. Newsflash, neither do they and that is why they do a shit job at it.) As I slipped further and further down the ladder of the proletariat, I noticed the huge chasm between rich and poor. Huge. Fucking Massive. Like 10,000 light years.

The barbarians are here. They've breeched the gate, but in typical Canadian style we've decided to hand over the keys to the Kingdom to all our new friends, whose religion demands that they kill us all eventually. Whether this country is ruled by the greedy inept French/Italian Gangsters from Montreal or the greedy/inept Western Oil Kings doesn't matter. Greed will destroy this country. The muslims will finish it off just as the Visigoths finished off the Romans.

I'm selling off all of my stuff (someone up for some cheap CDs LPs?), packing my bags for the Misty Mountains.

So in closing:

  • Fuck Canada

  • Fuck Islam

  • Fuck Big Oil

  • and

Friday, September 14, 2007

The winner is....

I've gone through my extensive CD collection to find the cheesiest album cover of the metal genre I have. Here it is.

As cheesy as it is, I still love it.

As for other things, I'm close to being fully certified to go up North. I'm not holding my breath, as I have been in the position for a full on employment empty netter only to fan on the shot...twice. If all else fails I think I will move to the interior of BC and start a church for Odin the Allfather, or a kitten training school or something. Any other suggests to save the shipwreck of my life?

Friday, August 10, 2007

From the Heavens' heart I stab at thee

The title is probably what all the fates and gods are saying as they puppetmaster my life into the complex drama of annoying misfortune it has spiralled into these past few weeks. Did I write weeks? Strange, I thought I had written eons. My mistake.

The Schissekampfwagen is out of commission forever. After driving over a Soviet landmine in the disputed zone for the last time, the ol' Shizznitmobile can't seem to get it up anymore. This is of course after the infamous $300 oil change of two weeks ago. Despite the mechanic's swearing on a pile of bibles and pictures of his mother, it wasn't just low on oil. Two near deaths on the highway in two days was enough for me. I called the boss and told him that I had to go car shopping today. He was cool with that as the weather machine is running amok and is need of repair. We both yelled "COBRA!" and hung up. (on an aside here...I'm now going to be the Big Boss on the 2nd shift from next week. The one guy I'll be working with Ahmed, or Akbar, or Alhugibashet, or whatever, is from Quebec and can only really speak French. Picture me rolling my eyes. Can they cast the net any deeper and actually rip up the bottom of the barrel?) So, out into this glorious 5 C summer weather to look at beater cars in the city.

In other news, and muse, I've signed up for my H2S ALIVE! course. I am taking a series of courses so I can get out of the city and dead-end henchman work and into the oilpatch. I'll have all of my courses done by the end of the month or so and I'll be applying with various prespective employers. Of course, working up there is like being in jail, but they let you out every 30 days for 10 days and the pay is about triple what I make now. It is seasonal, so I'll only have to work from October to March. Hopefully, by then my application to take a commission in the military (and you thought I was pumping out 100% BS) will have gone through and I can enter Basic training next July and be collecting skulls by the next July. Both of my nephews are on board and have got their applications in too. Picture me smiling in a sinister fashion. I get to fight in the Apocylpse with my kinsmen at my back.

I just finished reading The Republic by a Mr.Plato. I must say Book VII is the most interesting discourse on the lifetime of a society ever written. When most political analysts these days only seem to give a schisse about what Marx and Engels wrote (which in a lot of ways borrowed heavily from M.Plato), or about how the candidates (Yes, I am talking about the upcoming US Presidential Election) are casting away all the labels and breaking all the barriers, one comes to the conclusion that society is in a freefall and is two hairs away from slipping into tyranny. Don't believe me? Read Plato. Plato should be manditory reading in elementary school. Kick boxing should also be manditory.

I also see that my friend Metal Mikhail has slain yet another blog. I know I haven't been the best at updating anything, ever, but I have the excuse of not being hooked up online on work and slipping into an exercise acoma once I am home. Now that 300 is out on DVD, I've been running on the treadmill in acoma with a giant boner. So giant, no blood is able to flow to my fingers to type. (The best part in 300 is when King Leonidas fights the enraged/drug crazed Andre the Giant sized retard)

So to Metal Mike, the god of all blog slayers, I finally submit what I have been doing and lift the shroud of secrecy:

  • I have been working at a document destruction facility. I have been working for "the Man" destroying top secret and secret documents in a paper shredder the size of a small house.(Truth? Dude, no one can handle the truth. no one)
  • I have lost about 65lbs of fat and gained back about 20lbs of muscle. I weigh exactly 205lbs.
  • I applied to the military in January ready to spill blood for the blood god, but my application is caught up in some sort of limbo where they have to check with authorities in Asia and Europe that I am not a tax cheat or pedophile.
  • My shitty car has been driving me crazy for the last month and I want to drive the fucking thing off a cliff.
  • I am taking my certificates to go to the oil patch so I can get the hell out of C-town.
  • My outwardly perception has returned to normality.
  • I've been listening to Slayer non-stop and have even worn out my South of Heaven CD.

So there you have it. All is revealed. I don't know when I will update again, but I do check for comments every so often.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Nice Title Bar

Okay, so I haven't updated for a bit. It's not like I have been doing too much. I'm still working at ... the Atomic Record Storage/Destruction Facility (where I destroy history for the Man) for the James Bond-esque Villian who we'll call Dr. Ron. (Herr Doktor has a contract with the Man)But, this career move is about to end in a month or so as I have my eye on something else entirely. I've got a few tests to take and what not, but I thnk I will be on the move once the NHL starts up again. Speaking of the NHL, does everyone have their "2007 Stanley Cup LOSERS" Ottawa Senators T-shirt? Hmmm, maybe the one I made is the only one.

The shitmobile has been giving me a bit of grief. I'm thinking either the fuel filter or fuel pump need some tweeking. It has been chugging at some pretty bad times. I'm not sure if I am going to get rid of the beast or not. I mean, I just bought my "Cthulhu hates you" bumper sticker.

As for world events, news and everything else, if you want my opinion, while watching it unfold or reading about it, imagine me taking the most unorthodox/politically incorrect stance possible. I don't know how popular my "Kill the Hydra. Nuke Mecca." T-shirt would be in your town (another Lebowski original) but I've gotten a few raised eyebrows around here.(My next slogan T is probably going to be "Mohammed is no match for the Great Uncle Sam" with "my god laughs at your god" on the back)

I've lost 30 kgs in the last year. I've put on 15kg of muscle for a grand total of 90 sticks of butter back into the ether from whence it came. I've still got a bit of a gut, but I'm working towards looking like a pro wrestler. Let me re-phrase that, a fit pro wrestler. Not like that tubby ass King Kong Bundy. I''m contemplating what facial hair style is best. I had a reverse Hitler going for a while, and my new driver's license has the fu man chu. Now I have just a 4 inch long goatee, like an evil hudderite. I'm 200lbs now, my goal is 220 with 10% body fat.

The cat we have now isn't fit to hold Frenchy's lighter. It is all freaky and sketchy and doesn't like playing "fight under the couch" like Triple French did. Oh well. Someday I'm going to have enough money to buy one of those cats trained for a movie. It'll smoke and play poker and shit.

So how is the dwindling fan club doing out there? Still addicted to porno and snackfoods? My advice is: stop watching TV (okay disorderly conduct is on, but my wife watches that show), exercise 6 hours a day and let emoticons do the talking for you.

Up the Irons and dine in hell.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Save the SOBs!

Last night I found out that the greatest Canadian Cartoon ever will be cancelled by Teletoon so they can serve up more steamy nut-studded poo like Angry Kid or Bromwell High. Bitches, are you fo' real?

We gotta save Sol, Ricky and Doug! Save the SOBs!
Here is the link to their site. There you can find the info on how to sign the petition to keep them on TV. Hey, it worked for Family Guy and that show has nothing on SOB. If they go, what will happen to this future classic hockey song?