The Laff Olympics

Well, this isn't going to be so much about the Olympics now as I really don't have anything to say about them. I've watched Japanese athletes finish 43rd, 22nd, 11th, etc. The olympic coverage here is strange in the sense that most of it is talking in the studio about anything but the olymics. Yes, those untalented TV hacks have just put away their fashion awards to put on their sports expert hats. Of course also having popular musicians as commentators really makes a lot of sense. Does anyone really want to know what the Japanese equivalent to Bryan Adams has to say about Luge or Curling? Of course they do. They are mindless rabble having to be told what to do at all times.

Anyway, that isn't my street beef as Johnny LaRue used to say. My beef is with the NHL's super lame attempt to make the US into an Olympic Hockey power. Flashback, 1998, Nagano, Land of mindless rabble having to be told what to do at all times. NHL players are allowed to compete in the olympics for the first time. Canuckistan is excited about seeing their best players get fisted by the Swedes. We call them the dream team. We get their coins at McDonald's. Bettman gets on TV and announces that there will be TWO dream teams at the Olympics. What?! Canada will have two teams?! Awesome! Alas, no. He was talking about the US team led by that primadonna Brett "I will never be as good as or command as much respect as my father or uncle" Hull.

2002 Salt Lake City, Uhaul. The US were going to do it this time they are on home soil. Canada put on a clinic in a final that I'll remember for all time. The best was when Eddie Shack cross check Chelios, stole the puck, scored on the back hand and put his cowboy hat on the ref's head as he skated back to his mirthful teammates.

The Olympics now are going well for Canuckistan. Will they win the Gold? I hope so. Hockey is the last atom thin line of patriotism I have left. (the rest of the Olympics is just filler between the hockey games and none of it matters. Skiing, snowboarding, curling can all get a room together and fuck off. New events should be team snowball fighting and full-contact ice fishing) Are they a dream team? Well, that remains to be seen. They'll definitely need a new goalie in Vancouver. It's not like Italy and Germany are great on the ice. Even though, the krauts get to the final 4 sometimes. How about the US? Well, Latvia is a bit of a powerhouse when it comes to squeeking into the olympics. We all know that Kazahkistan produces some of the best Hockey players in the world, like Igor Flenikoslovichskiatch-Smith. The fact that the US team is having problems with these Ham and Egger teams shows that they will be back in the US of A drinking coke and eating hamburgers and freedom fries quicker than you can say "Jack Robinson".

Yet for some reason the NHL insists on promoting the US team as a great team on their website. (find their site yourself you lazy turd). When are they going to get it that no one believes them? Hockey will never sell in the US like it does in Canuckistan. How can hockey compete with basketball in the US? It can't.

In the future, I wouldn't be surprised to see only the original 4 US teams in the States with a lot of other teams having either merged, moved or folded. Who doesn't want to see a Stanley Cup final between the Scarborough Murderers and the St. John's Welfare Bums? Or the Moncton Shithawks for that matter?

My other beef, reserved for another time, is why the fuck does the government try to promote women's olympic hockey like it's as important as the men's?! Like who gives a shit? If the rest of the olympics are filler, women's hockey is like when they have the guy come out and shoot for $1000 dollars. It's cool if he wins, but you better hurry up and have a pee and get another beer before the next period of the REAL action begins.

- Dr. Darth Lebowski is a University Lecturer and the most intelligent and largest land mammal in Japan. He currently splits his time between drinking red wine and complaining about the weather.